tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post5870634513776581691..comments2023-07-12T03:49:56.593-07:00Comments on CombatWords!: Combatwords, March 4, 2011: RandomnessKhakjaan Wessingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05501187261486087495noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-81315312361306908312011-03-08T09:43:39.425-08:002011-03-08T09:43:39.425-08:00Valerie: The sweetness of the 2nd poem is overwhel...Valerie: The sweetness of the 2nd poem is overwhelmed by its corniness. I thought the 1st 1 was funny tho. Gonna give you 0 my dear. <br /><br />Amalia: So I liked it (+1), but I thought it was overwritten (-1). A tiny bit of paring should improve it. 0<br /><br />Toady: I really enjoyed this one (+1). The ending 2 lines are terrific (+1). But yeah, in the name of harsher critique, you could haveKhakjaan Wessingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05501187261486087495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-76748124152214519942011-03-07T18:22:07.523-08:002011-03-07T18:22:07.523-08:00Amalia: Good critique, nice and specific.
Hiki: ...Amalia: Good critique, nice and specific. <br /><br />Hiki: it's interesting to see the earlier draft. I think your instincts were right in cutting it down though; there are too many abstractions in the 1st version. Not that abstraction is necessarily bad, but I think your strength is in combining very visceral, evocative images. With the edit, you lose the idea of being up in a plane (or Seann McCollumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01336078093080875959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-39786665922958744142011-03-07T16:39:46.117-08:002011-03-07T16:39:46.117-08:00Valerie/Alphabetical Order: I like the alphabetica...Valerie/Alphabetical Order: I like the alphabetical order stuff at the beginning, but not at the end. -1 for the last line, but +1 for the last stanza minus that line and +1 for the fact that this is really fun in general and it FEELS like two kids playing together and figuring one another out. (+1 overall)<br /><br />Me: -1 for the STUPID TYPO of food instead of foot at the end. (-1 overall)<br Amalia Dillinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13005039978668326144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-4824940968396074332011-03-07T15:48:59.846-08:002011-03-07T15:48:59.846-08:00this was the original before i butchered it. in hi...this was the original before i butchered it. in hindsight, i think it was better than what i ended up posting (<i>hope it's ok i'm posting this, if not, please delete</i>).<br /><br /><br /><br />how regular the world<br />from this altitude<br />uniformly smooth <br />unbroken continuous<br />my nose in a chalk circle<br />hands pressed on slate<br />pulling oil from skin<br />lean HikiMadwomanhttp://twitter.com/hikimadwomannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-46570250695230515032011-03-07T15:44:13.532-08:002011-03-07T15:44:13.532-08:00really, really loved the stuff this time. somethin...really, really loved the stuff this time. something to like in everyone's stuff. but it's war, so i have to harden the gears in my heart. <i>whirrr click click</i><br /><br /><b>Valerie 2nd</b>: really liked your use of line breaks in places, like "and seating / already assigned" (pulled me into my seat). so subtle and effective, a lot for me to learn on this. not so excited HikiMadwomanhttp://preservativewoman.posterous.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-17272856087692551242011-03-07T13:37:18.830-08:002011-03-07T13:37:18.830-08:00Valerie: nicely written anecdote, very cute, but t...Valerie: nicely written anecdote, very cute, but the alphabetical aspect of it feels gratuitous. <br /><br />Amalia: this is great, by far my favorite piece this week. Very strange and interesting take on mythology.<br /><br />KW: solidly written, good rhymes...but I confess, I don't understand the last 3 lines.<br /><br />SMG: well, it does have the feel of random thoughts collecting, and Seann McCollumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01336078093080875959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-55819662831134601352011-03-07T07:00:56.941-08:002011-03-07T07:00:56.941-08:00Amalia's piece is the strongest for me this we...Amalia's piece is the strongest for me this week. Clean narrative that puts the reader in a familiar setting, structured to take the reader into the direction of cliche and repetition it yanks you into a totally different direction and you're left blinking against the sudden light of a moment in life. +2<br /><br />Khakjaan's sonnet I enjoyed, the flow is smooth and well constructed +Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-91538688085696941942011-03-06T17:09:53.249-08:002011-03-06T17:09:53.249-08:00Lycia meets Ben at campus.
He is traveling and lif...Lycia meets Ben at campus.<br />He is traveling and life is easy, Peru in the spring is full of colours.<br />He doesn't dance the salsa, but makes her laugh<br />and his paleness contrasts her coffee skin.<br /><br />Six months later he goes back to Belgium, to<br />continue his studies, he is smart and numbers flow from his fingers.<br />Computers obey him. His heart is full of love, and heForpuckhttp://forpuck.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-65919899761472222222011-03-06T12:37:15.485-08:002011-03-06T12:37:15.485-08:00discontinuous surface
randomness is a problem
in ...<b>discontinuous surface</b><br /><br />randomness is a problem<br />in precision<br />how regular<br />the world<br />from this altitude<br />liquid low i squat<br />flowing onto pavement<br />somewhere left<br />of probability<br />red fingers finding <br />last winter’s cough drops <br />are angels crumbling in <br />my coat pocketHikiMadwomanhttp://preservativewoman.posterous.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-45766276964636115992011-03-05T18:16:09.471-08:002011-03-05T18:16:09.471-08:00Trying to Fit In
Outside my window there is a tri...Trying to Fit In<br /><br />Outside my window there is a trilogy of palm trees that tell the story of LA. Transplanted and slightly out of place, as are most thing here, they sway with the temperate wind oblivious to the homeless woman resting below. Behind her, an endless stream of cars line up to pay four dollars a gallon for gas. There was a traffic jam on the 110 this afternoon because a dog Steven Marty Granthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12025403178005766557noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-67475352339709874772011-03-05T15:35:01.287-08:002011-03-05T15:35:01.287-08:00Lords of Negation [Combatwords Sonnet, 3.5.2011]
...Lords of Negation [Combatwords Sonnet, 3.5.2011]<br /><br />Meteors do it, the novas and seas;<br />Why not a metal-smith forging a lathe?<br />Why would you think that the lion won't cease,<br />Waves would stay constant and cool when one bathes?<br />Gather the animals, shackle the wind,<br />Torture the acres for bushels of corn;<br />Grind up the gristle for dog-food—it's tinned,<br /Khakjaan Wessingtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05501187261486087495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-58313385567899897112011-03-04T22:07:54.469-08:002011-03-04T22:07:54.469-08:00Snake Eyes
Instructions tumble from your unclench...Snake Eyes<br /><br />Instructions tumble from your unclenched fist. <br />Each word can be interpreted six ways<br />Though just a single meaning shows its face.<br />Rattle the cup. I hiss your name in Braille.<br />I scrimshaw my commands into your bone,<br />Etched revelations spell out won or lost. <br />If you don’t roll, you will not hear my voice. <br />You leave the table and you're Seann McCollumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01336078093080875959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-67821676816887947652011-03-04T18:47:09.300-08:002011-03-04T18:47:09.300-08:00I am Europa.
The bull stares at me from the other...I am Europa.<br /><br />The bull stares at me from the other side of the fence, and I am transfixed. Not transfixed enough to climb on its back and let it carry me off into the sea, but transfixed enough that I can't seem to step back and continue on my way. I'd never seen a bull like this one, snow white in spite of the fact it had been lying in a rain-wet field with plenty of mud.<br />Amalia Dillinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13005039978668326144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-26983402173807752962011-03-04T13:41:31.348-08:002011-03-04T13:41:31.348-08:00Alphabetical Order
Fourth grade, new school, unif...Alphabetical Order<br /><br />Fourth grade, new school, uniform <br />colors aqua and pink, a week late and seating<br />already assigned. Alphabetical order.<br />Uncomfortable musical chairs to accommodate<br />one spindly girl, last name starts with T.<br /><br />Now behind her, pudgy boy, curly brown hair,<br />glasses like Sally Jesse Raphael.<br />Last name with a V. Hates change, e.g.<br /Valeriehttp://candleinsunshine.com/asthemoonclimbs/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1593358805415544056.post-52645261785612091492011-03-04T13:09:10.373-08:002011-03-04T13:09:10.373-08:00Fortune Cookie
"When the time comes, choose
...Fortune Cookie<br /><br />"When the time comes, choose<br />the top one." Lucky numbers<br />six, nine, forty-two.Valeriehttp://candleinsunshine.com/asthemoonclimbs/noreply@blogger.com