Subscribe in a readerTuesday, February 16, 2010
Canned Combat, Feb 16, 2010: Cops
No matter what, you have to deal with them. Verse, prose, whatever... let's see some scuffling.
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To me a cop is like a clerk
ReplyDeleteWho shoots the thugs and fakes his work.
So amped on coffee, sugar... tea,
The wrong retort receives a knee.
See, men like me use ten buck words:
I'm called 'yes sir,' I never gird
My worries near these so-called peers,
And so I wound their pride with fear.
Now other men, they're too abrupt.
They don't submit and this disrupts
Police routine. Uncertainties
Will get you shot: it guarantees
His empathy will shrink and fail:
Free speech will land your ass in jail.
See, I reread that and I already see I screwed it up. Shouldn't be too hard to beat. No time limit yet, let's get you all warmed-up first.
ReplyDeleteSgt. Diana
ReplyDeleteSergeant Diana would place her key
Upon the desk of another officer
That meant 'come to my place tonight'
Ready to *** the hell out of me.
But when one of her married paramours
Broke off their torrid nights of lust
Sergeant Diana wouldn't let it go
Their problems became too big to ignore
'Do not respond if she calls for backup'
Words of threat were addressed to her
'Shove a shotgun up your ****'
The department headed for a crackup
On leave she went, a lawsuit filed
Those who do not like cops smiled
Alas, Sergeant Diana's fall
Shows they're slightly odder than us all
morning revise of last stanza (?):
ReplyDeleteOn leave she went, a lawsuit filed
Those who do not like cops smiled
What shows Sergeant Diana's fall?
They're only slightly odder than us all
Okay, even though Onyx is a friend, I'm going to give people a sense of how to score... hmm, I've finished this post, except the scans add up to too many points. I think off scans should be scored as 1/2 point, otherwise poets write with an unfair burden compared to prose writers (proters).
ReplyDeleteI) Scans by stanzas:
1) -4.5
/- -/ -- /- /;
-/ -/ -- /- /- /(-2);
-/ /-(-2) -/(-1) -/(-2);
/- -/ -/(-1) --(-1) /
2)
-- /- -/ -/ -/;
-/ -/ -/ -/;
/- -/ -/ -/ -/;
-/ -- /- /- -/
3)
-/ -/ -- /- /-
/- / -- /- /
/- /- /- /
-- /- /- -- /-
4)
-/ -/ -/ -/;
/- /- /- /;
-/ /- -/ -/;
/- /- /- /- /
So there should be -1 point per irregular scan.
II) Rhyme: +2 per bridged rhyme, so +10
III) Story: It was clear, not open to misreadings, with the exception of a few lines. I'm going to call it +14, with +1 per successful line.
1) Stanza 3, lines 3 and 4: the action could be clearer, even if the idea was expressed. So no points here.
IV) Misc: The poem was amusing, so I'll give it +2 for that.
Total: I'm not going to add up the scan points, someone else can do that. This should give you a sense of how to score poetry. Anyhow, my opinion's not valid without two additional posters validating it.
Let's see more! I'm fighting my friend here. Don't be chicken--enable us!
rewrite of stanza 1 for better scan:
ReplyDeleteWhen Sergeant Diana placed her key
Upon the desk of another cop
'Twas sign she sought his company
That night in bed;(It meant '**** me')
Oh crap, I was so busy dealing w/ the copy-paste, I forgot to deal w/ your rewrites. And I forgot to delete all references to off-scans equaling -1. They should be -.5
ReplyDeleteWe need more combatants. Where's Rytis?