The first posters to this thread set the tone for this Combat. You can write about anything, so long as you're first. After 4pm, late posters MUST riff off existing posts. This can go on indefinitely. Example: posters A, B & C post by 4pm. They all pick different topics. Poster D riffs off B's post after 4pm PST. Poster E will be able to riff off A-D. This should keep the combat fluid & personal. If I suspect you just posted canned writing, I'll just disqualify it.
Combat Expiration: 12pm PST, 11/7/2010
Critique Expiration: 12pm PST, 11/8/2010
Bonuses/Penalties: +3 for posts by 5pm PST, 11/5/2010; +2 for posts by 9pm PST 11/5/2010; +1 for posts by 2am PST 11/6/2010.
Penalties: -1 for posts by 8am PST 11/7/2010, -2 for posts made by 4pm PST 11/7/2010. Sorry I didn't announce this sooner.
Oh yeah, da rulez: http://combatwords.blogspot.com/2010/07/official-rules-for-combatwords-updated.html
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it was uncovered;
ReplyDeleteno punches pulled
a man (or maybe a woman)
hands me a flyer;
"LAUGH, FUN, COMEDY"
come come come, bring your friends
this is life,
this is where women go
This is Redemption, this laughter of
one sad man
on stage and
A thousand empty souls
hungry for his blood
And as I walk on
I feel nothing.
The weight of my laptop
is no different from the weight
of the world - full of laughter, forgiveness,
sex, puppies, compassion, milk, so bearable and
you bear and bear and bear;
As Dilbert once said:
I ask for so little
And boy do I get it
The white hand
ReplyDeleteMilk mafia
Spreading lies on the backs of cartons
Missing kids
Yeah, missing alright
Their parents, their friends, everything far from them
They are put there as warning you know
Little whistle blowers who sought to question
That milk makes strong bones
The white hand, the milk mafia
Isn't a bitch to suffer
So it snatches them up
In the middle of the night
Puts them to work in cheese mines on the moon
(shit they're on to us!)
Eat your Kraft singles
Grow your milk mustache out of a tall glass
Savor the bone growing goodness of milk
(meet me out back, keep looking forward)
Pat your belly for a job well done
A soldier on the front lines, beating back Osteoporosis
(I'll explain all this then.)
We salute you soldier
The waking American dream...
Reflection
ReplyDeleteI stood over
the Tiber at sunset
and watched it
as it carved through
the two thousand
year old travertine
and sandstone.
In the distance
I could see
the dome of St Peter’s
wax and wane
in the shadow
of birds in waves
of evening flight.
Time passes
without emotion
between the seven hills
and the river flows
without memory;
from Le Vene
to the Tyrrhenian Sea.
Here I am old and young,
Christian and pagan,
world weary and world wise.
I have never seen
a clear reflection
in the Hudson, but
from the Ponte Sant'Angelo
I can see the eternity
and beauty that is Rome
Curdle
ReplyDeleteAfter I’ve made my last crack,
When I’ve tipped my final high hat, I flush
myself from the back of the club, and trudge along,
following the sour stench of the Lactose River.
My ears still shudder with the tidal crash
of palms hammering nails into one another
like wobbling sheets of tin that echo thunder.
I always hoped I would vanish rather than witness
my routine become tarnished, thought it best
to bow out before the torment
of watching one’s talent ferment.
Best to erase all trace of atrophy, of rot.
I kneel on the wax bank and peer down,
looking for my reflected visage on the surface film.
But none gazes back; the milk flows, lapping at the shore
llike a plump hand slapping the ass of the cheeky moon.
There are fish down there, slick and plump as cheeses,
slipping through the opaque liquid. I can’t see them
but their aquatic giggles burst
when they kiss the surface, and I rise
and take a step, and another, ready to be drained,
wiped clean, empty as a bubble.
Equilibrium [CombatWords Poem November 5, 2010]
ReplyDeleteThe first time an animal shat in the river
To bless it with turds and establish a pattern
Of blood in the stool—a compact was ratified:
Water shall spoil, yet will ever seem sweetened.
Freeways relax like the creeks of vacation,
The fog on the bridge will remind you of nothing,
Apartments will imitate caves of the mountain—
And day will emulate the moon's reflection,
And fog will seem like steam: the ocean boiling.
Forpuck:
ReplyDelete• I read through this several times because the meaning kept changing for me. I kept reading because the words drew me in (+1)
• Dilbert quote in a poem (+1)
• Forgiveness, sex, puppies(+1)
The Humanist:
• I laughed as I read it (+1)
• The White Hand (+1)
Steven Marty Grant:
• Overworked/forced metaphor (-1)
• The end just fucking sucks! (-1)
rToady:
• Great incorporation of the previous 3 (+1)
• Most complete poem (+1)
KW:
• Uses the word “shat’ (+1)
• Made me wish I had not posted mine (+1)
forpuck:
ReplyDelete+1 liked it.
-1 weak ending. Maybe you just need a better transition to the last paragraph from the one preceding it; it's actually not a bad idea to end with a joke, tying it back to the comedy club, but it feels too disconnected from the rest.
humanist:
Not sure I understand it all, but it made me laugh. +1
SMG:
-1 Wasn't feeling this one. Felt half-baked and too abstract for me. Plus, you need to stop grading your own pieces. Self-deprecation is MY shtick, see? See?
KW:
+1 Enjoyed the hell out of this one, despite some confusing imagery.
-1 Lines 2, 3, 8 & 9 don't scan. I think the whole piece would benefit if you abandoned the attempt at strict meter.
Tsk, Rtoady, I intentionally switched the meters, to create a more staggered flow. So imma have to disagree w/ you on that.
ReplyDeleteForpuck/AG: From a craft perspective, I want you to consider reversing the opening stanza & doing it like this:
"This is Redemption, this laughter of
one sad man
on stage and
A thousand empty souls
hungry for his blood.
it was uncovered;
no punches pulled
a man (or maybe a woman)
hands me a flyer;
"LAUGH, FUN, COMEDY"
come come come, bring your friends
this is life,
this is where women go"
Got maudlin & too surfacey for me. -1
-1
Humanist: Liked it: +1
Really imaginative: +1
+2
SMG: I liked this & didn't. I think the last stanza is really where you need to start the poem. The rest of that stuff can get packed into a sharper narrative that focuses on your final stanza's edge.
0
RToady: Liked it +1
Excellent riffs off prior 3. +1
+2